It had been a long week, full of stressful moments at work and at home, and both of us were exuding signs of the stress.
Certain conversations lead too easily to arguments over unresolved issues bubbling just beneath the surface of our normally drama-free zone, otherwise known as our marriage.
Just one sentence was all it took. Like a match dropped casually onto a trail of gasoline, the gun had gone off and the verbal wrestling match was ON.
Being married as long as we have, our arguments, as our lives, had fallen into a predictable pattern. My husband is slow to anger, and doesn’t think quickly on his feet. I, on the other hand, have a gift for gab and a command of the language that I wish I had over my emotions.
Over the years, we’ve also gotten lazy with our arguing. I immediately blame the MMG for whatever ills have befallen us, and basically hold that position until I have calmed down long enough to just chalk the whole thing up to his ever-present ineptitude with a sigh and a roll of my eyes, moving on to the next thing.
What I hadn’t been doing was taking a step back. Taking time to see my part in the situation and what I could do to make the present situation better or could have done to alleviate the entire mess in the first place.
My focus was solely on my husband — HIS faults, HIS shortcomings, HIS failings.
Never my own.
And I promise you, I am not so short-sighted that I am not aware of my own personal struggles and challenges. I am by no means perfect, nor am I deluded enough to believe whatever strengths I have make me a better individual than my husband.
It’s just easier for me to lay blame on his doorstep then to step up to a mirror and do the painful work of assessing myself.
Every marriage takes so much work, but what most couples stop working on is themselves — as individuals within the relationship.
To successfully develop the relationship, you each have to continue to successfully develop yourselves, to take time to assess, and grow and transform individually, as well as together.
And the next time you find yourself at odds with your spouse, take the focus off of them and put the spotlight clearly on YOU.
You may well find the person you are reallyat odds with is yourself.
The Modern Married Chick
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